Heaven’s gonna burn your eyes.

I’ve concluded that my well-being is entirely up to me; I am done hoping or expecting anything from God, it just isn’t worth it.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Image is everything.

I caught a W exit interview on Reuters yesterday. My favorite bit is always when the interviewer prudently asks him to name his failures. So with a hem and haw our lame duck, Commander-in-Halfwit admitted that the Abu Ghraib prison scandal was tragic and sent “the wrong message to the Arab nations.” Ugh. Is that it!? How long is this interview anyway? Never mind that most anyone could draw up a few billion other regretful political escapades from the past eight years, but to name such a deplorable event as simply a “wrong message” turned my stomach. How about the act itself, did that matter? Since when does the message or perception or image trump reality.

This has me wondering if our image management savvy causes more calamity than calm. We have quite the knack for tilting the mirror just right or explaining why things aren’t quite as bad as they seem. I would offer that all of us are tremendous cognitive marketers of image when deep down we despise such effort. Oddly, we suspect that everyone buys our bullshit and yet possess cunning when offered the sheen of others.

While I’m hurling rocks at broad targets (W), why don’t I bring our old friend capitalism along. As capitalists, we are not simply rewarded for hard work, but for outdoing our neighbors. Competition amongst products and businesses and co-workers and nations and lovers is in the drinking water. The sweetest smelling turd wins. I can’t even watch an interview on The Daily Show without suspecting the integrity and responses of the book-toting author. Everyone is selling something; the wrong expression will cost you zeros on your pay stub.

I am just as guilty as the next. I know how to present my most polished self, or earnestly explain why I misbehaved this one time or was just misunderstood. The tragedy is that all these machinations perpetuate the accepted standard for the self. I am tired. The harder I work to present a better-than-true self the more work is required of me later. I think this is why I make such efforts to put myself down. Fearful of attracting others to an ideal me, I posit a minimal, pathetic standard. And while feverishly working on others’ perceptions, I miss the bliss of the moment. I’m too busy piloting around in my head, assessing how much you like me.

Perhaps I will try on some apathy, no that isn’t it; a healthy detachment from credibility, not it either… what if I truly didn’t care what others thought of me, sorta Pol Pot-esque. Hmm… I’m gonna go tell my boss I dropped a work hour blogging about turds. Perfect. There it is.

And I voted for W–both times. God bless ‘im.

Filed under: Uncategorized

No direction from pluralism.

I caught a glimpse of a fellow busrider reading the Bible and instead of feeling the usual kinship, I felt distant and even suspect of him: Is he an ill-mannered fundamentalist? Is he devout? Does he swear or drink? Does he fancy Palin? Does he hate the ACLU? Is he suspicious of mainstream media? Is he trying to get attention?

Such a change in perspective is no small thing for me. It is a thunderclap that hit years ago and has finally made it to this definitive point of dissociating from those whom I previously felt closest to. Odd. The roots are far-reaching: travel, mission work, getting burned by the Bush Administration, gracious and dear friends who challenged me on the heart of theological or political  issues. One friend in particular is a spiritual-but-not-religious-agnostickish-former-Buddhist-labels-are-clearly-not-befitting man who was interested in my story/beliefs and willing to share his own story/beliefs. As it went, my greatest fear was that he would throttle my pedestrian takes on economic policy, abortion, certainty, or my reading of the Creation account and I’d be left looking like a fool. Really, Vegan Yale graduates such as he are near the top of my threatening species list. Well, such a moment never came, and to the best of my knowledge it was not his experience of me either. We had deep and rich discussions, affirming and crushing stereotypes willy-nilly; discussing matters of meditation, intelligent faith, drugs, the trendy Christ, the abhorrent TBN, Daily Kos, to name a few. I love it. We recently formalized our discussions and meet monthly with people of other faiths. Tables are overturned, conches are passed around.

Ever so incrementally, I see the world as others see it. I read the paper and news differently, I defend different ideologies, I hold my dogma loosely, and admit to being wrong with minimal loss of ego. It feels a bit like insecurity at times and I am often bogged down in a pathetic pluralism that doubts meaning or the relevance of experience (see existentialist drift). There is no direction to head when you don’t believe in the certainty of where you are. When you’ve swung so hard from one side to the other you wonder about the validity of all your most devout beliefs. This wonder feels like a crumbling rock cliff sometimes. You imagine you are wrong about the whole lot of things. Dangerous space to dwell as a person of faith and yet, essential to faith.

The thing with pagans, heathens, socialists, commies, nudists, and other such fantastic beings is, they aren’t nearly as horrible as I’ve dreamed them up to be.

Filed under: Uncategorized

God is not Republican… or Democrat.

Is big government counter to the Gospel? Should the government be involved in works of mercy or just stick to justice? A dear Christian/missionary/Republican friend sent me a well-thought argument on the matter (here) and I penned the following response.

—

I guess I don’t see the role of government, market, church, individuals, NGOs in such black and white categories anymore. Each of them have budgets to steward and account for; they must submit to the vote of the people/parishioners/stockholders/board; all have primary and secondary objectives that involve mercy, justice, relationship building; and all have motives and values that can work for good or ill. To say the government should only serve justice, the church–mercy, and the market–trade, is just not viable in such a complicated world. Ideally, they share functions and values in different, integrated ways. I want all three realms to value the plight of the individual; to be compassionate and personal in their dealings. I want corporations to have CSR departments, I want the church to fight for civil rights, I want the government to provide equal education for all its citizens, or drop aid in war-zones. I am a fan of both World Vision and UNICEF. And I’m not worried about “sending a message”–as you put it–that the church is not THE place for mercy. Such concern sounds a bit arrogant to be honest. When Christians espouse small government, I wonder if they are simply jealous of the government encroaching on the mercy market. Frankly, I think the competition is healthy. I am sure you’ve witnessed dehumanizing church missions that turn the sick into souls to save, or a Third World village into a degrading compassion project. We aren’t as well-intentioned as we always like to believe; nor is the government as inhumane as we like to believe. Your consummating point: opposing the notion of “forced care” doesn’t seem to be the real issue as much as your disdain for people taking advantage of the system, its efficacy, ability to show care, and the passivity of the church and her believers–issues we both agree require great wisdom and action. (And really, isn’t one of the church’s greatest gifts, providing care for those who do not deserve it?) Why are we so enraged at the welfare system serving those who do not deserve it? Is it because we don’t get to offer the sinner’s prayer to the single Mom? I hope not. I don’t see the solution in further dividing up the work and roles but better integration and attention to humanity in everything.

The Right believes in and champions the freedom and liberty of the individual, which errs towards greed and individualism; the Left believes in and champions the collective well-being and justice for all, which errs towards indolence or collectivism. Neither system or party is perfect, but I would rather support a system that attempts to provide for everyone, knowing that a few will unjustly pay more and a few receive what they do not deserve, than a system that provides for those who work/inherit/deserve their position and unjustly abandons those who cannot provide for themselves. I see the gospel tipping more towards grace and community than justice and liberty.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Don’t get any big ideas.

Just finished my final paper for graduate school and the moment wasn’t met with quite the pomp & circumstance I had envisioned. Fortunately, this is the last year they’re letting students walk and then take summer courses as I just did. You walk, you leave, don’t let the door hit yer ass on the way out. Much better system. That isn’t to say my last classes were poorly taught or boring, I just didn’t have the same will to scrap around for answers especially when the majority of my classmates were daring first years who enjoy slinging turds off the walls. I’m more interested in painting them at this stage (the walls, not the turds–ah hell, why not the turds too).

I really should have dropped out after year one; not much new was uncovered in years two and three for this tired soul. After the initial crack and ooze, I managed to squelch most opportunities for permanent change by retreading the same mantric excuses I have long since perfected. I am still profoundly disappointed with God and myself. I just wish God were more attractive. I have a sense of life without God and it is certainly miserable, but it is only slightly worse than the hoping, doubting, preening, and guessing that made up my life of faith.

Mars Hill Grad has a clear hope for all of its students: to help you know and love your story, so you may know and love others. Well, I know my story and I hate it. Such a stance makes it difficult to care for others’ stories. So, on my worst days (chalk up today among them), I look back at my graduate work with cloudy bemusement and ashamed of another long and costly attempt at fixing this life. I can say that I am no longer afraid of people with differing beliefs. That seems good–I think. Not sure if it is a result of genuine security, nihilism, or just passive pluralism. So it goes, with each option spent comes another measure of hopelessness.

Oh what to do next… I think I have the makings for a mule.

“Nude” by Radiohead

Don’t get any big ideas they’re not gonna happen
You paint yourself white and fill up the holes,
But there’ll be something missing

Now that you’ve found it, it’s gone
Now that you feel it, you don’t
You’ve gone off the rails

So don’t get any big ideas they’re not gonna happen
You’ll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

Filed under: Uncategorized

Do Christians hate justice?

Whenever I encounter personal or systemic injustice my least favorite response is of the ilk: ‘we are depraved’, ‘we are all hypocrites’, or ‘we live by grace’. As the language suggests, this self-effacing and perverse hamartiology comes from within the Christian community and it makes me ill (just imagine city council excusing unjust behavior by calling all humanity screw-ups). It is the same platitude that many clergy/theologians used to belittle the Civil Rights Movement: of course the system is broken but things will be right in Heaven, don’t expect too much here in the fallen world, cheer up we’re all sinners. At first it appears to be a humble assessment of our shortcomings, but once you’ve made such a claim you have actually mocked those who are crying injustice and denied them the opportunity to name a greater hope. This just won’t do. And when such sentiment is served as an apology it should be named for what it really is–justification for the status quo and a detachment from the matters at hand.

I believe theological notions of grace/depravity/fallenness/perfection should rather inspire the Christian towards contrition, gratitude, and dependence on God’s forgiveness, not used as carte blanche or a shield from our earthly responsibilities to seek justice. Grace is a reason to say we are sorry with presence and care and take action to make things right, not excuse ourselves as pathetic Sons/Daughters of Adam; to know eternal forgiveness and extend it towards others as we fumble towards the realization of an earthly kingdom.

If I were an aphorist: Hope is not a blind idealism towards utopia, but earnestly seeking greatness.

“The church isn’t perfect, Zadok.”

“Oh, it isn’t? What was I thinking. I’ll go hope for greater things somewhere else.”

(And I have.)

Filed under: Uncategorized

George Bailey Syndrome.

You imagine an adult life of consequence and meaning, marked by tangible results that bear your name and provide you status and permanence… or in the word’s of George Bailey: to build skyscrapers a hundred stories high and bridges a mile long. But then you wake up, pre-midlife, working in the humanities, teaching, writing, software, at the church, doing music; the sorta stuff that can’t be touched or quantified and whose impact is definitively subjective or spiritual. This is my syndrome.

If my children follow me into the realms of church or art I will weep. And then, I hope, muster the courage to support them above and beyond the parental call, knowing that they will be fortunate to experience flashes of brilliant purpose, amongst long months of mundane and meaningless striving.

Some days I wish I was an architect.

Filed under: Uncategorized

One of the reasons why I’m still single.

My parents have occasionally suggested I sign up for one of the many online matchmaking services, but I can’t seem to get the gumption; something about consumer-dating just doesn’t jive. Of course, I know several fine couples who met online and it is certainly wise to start with someone whom you share interests and beliefs. I am finding though, that my access to nearly infinite information coupled with a belief in the perfect choice has debilitated me from choosing at all. A hundred years ago I would have married a family friend who lived in my neighborhood, had children and a career by twenty and called it good. Today, if I can’t find the perfect soul mate, job, university, church, camcorder, toothpaste, I haven’t done the research or prayed long enough or repented or taken enough medication or all of the above (pick your crap ideology).

We have been deceived into thinking that more choice is better, but as psychologist Barry Schwartz states in this enjoyable TED Talk, it isn’t always the case. And speaking globally, the more consumer choices we Americans afford ourselves the less the rest of the planet has; we’re depressed from too much choice, the have-nots are depressed from too few. The case for Christian jubilee perhaps.

Maybe I’ll fly to Angola and marry the first nubile woman I find at baggage–ew gross… baggage.

Filed under: Uncategorized

‘Singular They’ and the balls of God.

Creating gender neutral pronouns in the English language has a long and inconsequential history; it is expectedly difficult to swap out the most commonly used words (shemself, hetself, sie, eir, cos never quite made it to market). Of the solutions that have begun to catch on though, there is one I particularly fancy that does not require the cumbersome ‘he or she’ game–the ’singular they’ form. When the gender is unknown you simply use the ‘they’ form: “The doctor had to leave because they were tired.” Not bad.

So, recently, writing gender inclusive liturgy and working with hymns, Scripture and other works of antiquity brought me to the following realization: referring to God using the singular they form is actually a rather profound acknowledgment of the Trinity. ‘They’ are many and ‘they’ are one and ‘they’ are beyond gender. Whether Christ’s penis made it into heaven or God is a Father, or the Spirit is female is not really the issue. Nor would we be better off abandoning God’s Fatherness, just as early feminism failed by annihilating gender difference. Neo-feminism has it right, the genders are indeed different and should be celebrated as such. To borrow from Reverend Wright, different but not deficient. The nature of the Trinity is complicated and diverse and mysteriously encompassing all-of-the-above genders. It may be awhile before I have the nerve to sing ‘They are exalted on high’, but I’m getting there. Zadok circa 2000 would have my head on a pike.

And yes, the title for this post is just horrible.

Filed under: Uncategorized

God the idealist.

Finally saw Ridley Scott’s ‘Kingdom of Heaven’ last night; an interesting story/concept that projected blandly on the screen. I hear the Director’s Cut is a far better film and I may just carve out 3 hours for it someday. And I’ve concluded that Orlando Bloom is not a leading man–neither Scott, Peterson nor Crowe could suck enough gravitas out of him.

The most profound moment in the film was as the Christians were burying their dead during the siege. To avoid the spread of disease within the city walls they were forced to burn a mass grave, which the priest warned against as it would delay their bodily resurrection until the final judgment (rather obscure theology there I think). The protagonist’s response: “God will understand, my lord. And if he doesn’t, then he is not God and we need not worry.” Wow, what does that even mean. I like it no matter. A fine way of correcting someone’s perverse view of God I suppose.

Somehow this seemed related to something I’ve been wondering lately: is God an idealist? I don’t even know what that means either.

Filed under: Uncategorized